Wishing Only Wounds the Heart
by JacksTortugaLass
Summary: [TL Romance] Tumnus wishes for something more, as Lucy also does the same. Encouraged to read The Untold Tales before this, but not required.
1. Chapter 1

Wishing Only Wounds the Heart

A Tumnus and Lucy Romance

**Notes**: I own nothing. This is based off the song "I'm Not That Girl" from the Broadway show WICKED which I also don't own.

**Acknowledgements:** This could not have been done without the great help from our very own in the Tumnus Fan Club, Sanaryelle, and my five betas on livejournal.

**Dedication:** With love and hopes that she'll enjoy it, to Shawcross Gal and to the rest of us that ship Tumnus and Lucy with an undying love.

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He never regretted being a Faun; if anything, he was proud of his heritage. And he enjoyed telling Lucy of all the Faun ways...how as children they took lessons in music and were taught the tradition of wearing scarves. But lately, Tumnus had been wishing that he had been born something different.

Something Human.

Tumnus was convinced that after years of living at Cair Paravel, Lucy was in love. To him it was obvious in the way her eyes would go out of focus whenever there was a comfortable silence during their conversations. He would see in his mind's eye a boy with blond hair and shining eyes. He imagined their hands meeting over a cup of tea or some fallen object that they would both reach for. Tumnus for a brief time thought that the boy existed just in his mind, but her actions spoke clear enough to turn the thought away; the boy had to be real. How he wished that his were the hands meeting hers, and not the boy's, but they never were. They most likely never would be.

He would start to dream that maybe, just maybe, he was the one that her heart went in a whirl for, and at times, it seemed as thoughhe was. He would smile and dream of their deeper discussions and a deep blush would creep across his face as he felt that certain joy that can only be held by those who are in love.

But then he would stand to answer the door or to get the kettle from the fire, and would realize once again that he wasn't Human. How could he have forgotten who, and what, he was? Nights were spent where all he did was stare at his hooves, thinking that if he just willed it, he could have his one day as a Human, and finally be worthy of her. Days were spent in thinking of ways to become more Human, to do something to catch her eye and take the place of the boy that he knew she went to see whenever she left him.

The ache of reality was often too much for him to handle, so that at times Lucy would leave early thinking that he had wanted to be alone, when really, he wanted her to stay. She left for him, he would think, the boy with the strong legs and a nature that she could relate to. Someone who wasn't a Faun. And when she had left, he would stand at the door, watching her retreating figure and trying to fight the tears that threatened to fall each time. He was not born for her, or her world. He knew that, and yet he kept wishing and dreaming just the same. Despite his self-scolding, he kept at his dreams and the wounds on his heart were the only marks that showed the true pain he felt. On the outside, he kept it hidden as much as possible, but there were brief moments when it overtook him and he would give into the despair.

One day, without knowing what came over him, he followed her. He stayed a short distance away until she had gone into the forest heading back towards Cair Paravel, and he remained beside a tree, a hand resting upon the rough bark.

"Green never did look good on you," a smooth voice said from below.

Coming out of his thoughts with a start, Tumnus looked down to see Fox sitting beside his hooves. "What do you mean?"

"Of course, your coronation scarf was elegant, but that's beside the point," Fox continued on, ignoring Tumnus's question. Twitching his tail back and forth, Fox looked up at him with sharp eyes, "You should tell her, Tumnus."

Blinking, he almost chose to argue, but stopped and turned his attention back to the brush that Lucy had gone through, "No. I'm not that boy."

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Author's Notes: This is not the end; don't fret! I hope that this will be a three, if not, four-part story.


	2. Chapter 2

Wishing Only Wounds the Heart

A Tumnus and Lucy Romance

**Notes**: I own nothing.

**Acknowledgements:** This could not have been done without the great help from our very own in the Tumnus Fan Club, Sanaryelle, and my betas on livejournal and to also everyone's crazy love at this story. A great huge THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed! I am simply blown away! To those of you that weren't signed in when you reviewed, I have responses below the story because there are so many.

**Dedication:** With love to those of you that ship Tumnus and Lucy with a passion.

It was a long way back to Cair Paravel, but Lucy was too wrapped up in her thoughts to hurry the journey along. Tumnus was a dear friend and she had always wanted to see him pass down his Faun traditions to his children, and it seemed that he had finally found that someone to do it with. Her hands loosened on the reigns ever so slightly, as she felt a sharp pain in her heart that could only be from the realization caused by knowing that she was not the one he had found. As she steadied her breathing, she tried to convince herself that she was happy for him, finding what he had been wanting all these years, but it was false. The pain was too deep for her to ignore. She had been thinking that she was the girl; it would clearly explain his bewildering actions these past weeks. The youngest Queen of Narnia left Tumnus' home early these days, fearing lest she say something that she would regret. And Lucy believed that if she didn't, then Tumnus would. He always acted as if he was going to say something that he had been practicing for a long time, before declining in favor of performing some mundane task or going on the standby topic of asking how life was as a Queen of Narnia.

When she arrived at Cair Paravel, the night sky was dark and the stars were dancing in the sky, but the Queen took no notice of the charming sight as she made her way directly to her bedchambers. Sitting in front of her mirror, she ran a brush through her long hair, absently wondering what the Lady Faun (for it had to be a Faun) looked like. She probably had curly hair, Lucy figured, and tried in vain for the next half hour to get her own hair to curl, only to have it become a hopelessly tangled mess. Throwing her brush down in frustration, she glared at her own face in the glass, realizing suddenly that it was wet, and upon touching it found that it must have been so for quite some time. Without realizing it, she had been crying ever since leaving Tumnus's home.

Tumnus.

Shutting her eyes, she tried to clear him from her mind. He had found his someone, shouldn't she be happy for him and move on? Opening her eyes, she mouthed his name to herself, Tumnus. Since when had she started to refer to him as that? It was so intimate that she felt a blush rise to her cheeks. Dear Tumnus and his ways…but no, this wasn't helping. Fauns and Fauns, Humans and Humans, wasn't that how the unwritten law went? And besides, what could she offer him?

Every way she looked at it, Lucy found herself getting more and more upset. There was no end to her trouble, or at least, no end to produce a happy ending.

Her mind abruptly darted off in another direction and she wondered why he had not told her of such news. Perhaps he was waiting for the right moment. He was very kind after all and didn't want to hurt her feelings by making her think that he had replaced her with someone else. Nodding with determination, Lucy agreed aloud, yes, yes, he would tell her the happy news soon and she would be glad for him. She would act the part of a dear friend, for that was surely what he believed her to be, and nothing more would come of it.

But as Lucy lay in bed, she could not fool even herself as her hand went slipping underneath her pillow to retrieve a handkerchief that he had presented her with at her crowning. Burying her face in the soft fabric, she closed her eyes once more and fell into a deep and troubled sleep.

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**To peterssweetheart534:** I simply love WICKED and the song just seemed to fit with the idea I had. Thank you! I'm so glad you like it!

**To Claudette:** James McAvoy is officially the hottest thing since sliced bread, so his playing Tumnus just makes me squee. Thank you for your encouragement! I do plan on making this a 'good length' as you put it. Thanks again!

**To SheWhoDoesn'tFeelLikeLogingIn:** hands over handful of tissues Oh don't sob so dramatically! It'll be okay..well, actually it'll be worse but it will get better!

**To mike's girl:** I am continuing, no worries!

**To buttoned.up:** I am emailing you right this instant to tell you that I'm updating! I hope it sends! And I'm sorry you're getting teary-eyed again!

**To Erin:** WICKED is love and the fact that it goes so well with this..well, I couldn't be happier. And I'm glad you liked the connection too! Yay for being a huge T/L fan! We totally need to start a group, lol.

**To Orriana:** Thank you! I'm glad you like it! I hope you liked this chapter as well!

**To PhoenixFyre:** I'm glad you love it! I won't give any hints to the ending, though, I apologize about that.

**To Fuchsia:** Thank you. The Tumnus Fan Club was a bit of a joke, but now that you mention it, I just might have one of these 'forums' that I can create to be just that .. yeah I'm a loser, lol. I must defend my scarf idea though. I'm sorry that you didn't care for it because I love it to parts. It ties into "The Untold Tales of Tumnus and Lucy: Part Five: The Tradition of Wearing Scarves", and that story got started because of that sentence in this story. But I am glad that you stuck with it, thanks.

**To mike's girl: **I love Lucy and Tumnus as well. They are uber sweet together.

**To Robin:** I hope you liked this update as much as the last one! I was a bit afraid of doing a romance, but said to heck with it and kept on. Glad I did, because you seem to really enjoy it!

**To Lobo Diablo Lone Wolf:** Ah good, I like hooking my readers. Thanks for the encouragement!


	3. Chapter 3

Wishing Only Wounds the Heart

A Tumnus and Lucy Romance 

**Notes**: I own nothing.

**Acknowledgements:** This could not have been done without the great help from our very own in the Tumnus Fan Club, Sanaryelle, and my betas on livejournal and to also everyone's crazy love at this story. A great huge THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed! I am simply blown away!

**Dedication:** With love to those of you that ship Tumnus and Lucy with a passion.

Tumnus shivered for a moment despite the warm breeze that had just blown by. Upon hearing Fox's impatient clicking of his tongue, Tumnus feigned having been lost in his thoughts, and bid him good day before returning home.

The fire was still crackling, even though it had been burning for a long while and was almost out. As he set his scarf aside, he let out a breath that he had not realized he was holding. Sitting down in front of his chair on the carpet, he stared into the embers, trying his best to think of something other than what was presently plaguing his mind. With a sigh, he closed his eyes; but seeing her smiling face in front of him, he stood suddenly and upset a half-full teacup. Not even bothering to clean up the mess, he went to his bedroom, thinking that if he had a night's rest it would clear his mind.

Eyes snapping open, he realized that it must have been just a few hours since he had gone to bed. Thinking that maybe a cup of tea would help him sleep better, he pushed the blanket aside and made to get out of bed when something suddenly caught his eye. Something was dreadfully different about him, or rather, the lower part of him. His hooves weren't there; in their place were things he had only seen on Lucy and her siblings.

Feet. And at the end of them, ten little pink toes.

His breathing became unnaturally fast, and he frowned as if that would help to explain what he was supposed to do now. At another time, he would have ignored this as perhaps a dream, or maybe even hallucinations brought on by stress, and continued on with whatever he had been doing. But for today, his mind found this the solution to all his problems.

He was a Human. He was a Son of Adam.

A slight bark of maniacal laughter came from his mouth, and it seemed quite odd in the silence of his home as he swung his new legs and feet over the edge of the mattress. Resting his feet on the floor, he couldn't help but stare at them as he pulled on a pair of trousers that Lucy had given him years ago when they had celebrated some holiday that required dressing up in a costume. He ran a hand through his hair, something he often did to gather his thoughts, and found that his horns and ears were gone as well and now were smaller and flat.

This certainly was a change of things. Placing his hands on the mattress on either side, he pushed himself up, and immediately fell back to the bed. His balance was off a great deal with these new legs and feet, so much so that it took him a considerable length of time before he could properly walk to the front door.

Draping his scarf around him, he hurriedly made his way to Cair Paravel, with no other plan in his mind than to get there and show Lucy.

The sun was just peaking over the mountains as a weary but elated Tumnus made his way up the stairs of the great palace. Not knowing where to go next, he simply stood against a pillar inside the large main room that had held the coronation of the Kings and Queens of Narnia. His eyes wandered over the four thrones and he remembered that day and the joy that he had felt in sharing in such a grand moment. He noticed that someone was seated in the fourth throne and made his way towards it. No longer having cloven hooves to clatter against the marble floors, his new feet were silent as they helped him along his journey. Every once in a while he would stumble, still being slightly uncertain in his movements, and would rest against a nearby pillar. Casting his eyes down to his feet, he wondered in amazement before a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Who are you?"

Looking up quickly, he realized that it had been Lucy sitting in the throne. Dressed in her white nightgown with a silver crown atop her head, she wearily arose and walked from the throne to where he was.

"I ask again, who are you?" A sharp bite was in her voice, something that he had never heard before.

Tumnus frowned, confident that she would notice him. But he had expected this, and was far too happy to truly mind her not recognizing him.

"Dear Lucy, it's me, Tumnus."

The woman's eyes narrowed as she looked him over, "You are not. Tumnus is a Faun, and you are a Son of Adam."

"Yes, but I am Tumnus." He reached for her hand to prove it to her, only to have her back away.

"Leave. Can you not see that you are not wanted here?"

Blinking, he opened his mouth to say something only to have her walk briskly past him, the fabric of her nightgown brushing his shoulder.

"Do you not remember how I almost kidnapped you? And how since then we have been fast friends forever?" He heard her turn around and he faced her, pleased to see that she had comprehended the meaning of his words.

She took a step towards him, looking to his eyes, "You are Tumnus."

"Yes. Yes, Lucy. Now you see?" He took her hands in his own but again she pulled away.

"But you are not my Tumnus." She backed away slowly.

"I-"

Lucy's eyes were now swimming with tears, "No, you are not the one I-"

A crashing sound made Tumnus jolt, and he realized, with a start, that he was sitting up in his bed in his house. The door had been blown open by a sudden gust of wind, and for a moment he forgot exactly where he had been. Pulling back the blanket, he caught sight of his hooves shining dully. He put a trembling hand to his head, and felt his ears and horns.

He dropped his hand to the bed, and leaned back, gazing at the moon as it poured soft light through the window.

He was a Faun again. It had been a dream.


	4. Chapter 4

Wishing Only Wounds the Heart

A Tumnus and Lucy Romance 

**Notes**: I own nothing. As an early Christmas present, I'm uploading the final chapter of "Wishing" because I hate to string you guys along for longer than necessary. Thank you from the bottom of my toes for your encouragement and love. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did!

**Acknowledgements:** This could not have been done without the great help from our very own in the Tumnus Fan Club, Sanaryelle and mrstater, and to also everyone's crazy love at this story. A great huge THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed! I am simply blown away!

**Dedication:** With love to those of you that ship Tumnus and Lucy with a passion.

Lucy awoke some time later, her head aching from crying and her body stiff from being so tense the night before. With defeat, she stood and dressed, thinking that there wasn't any use in it seeing as to how she had nothing planned for the day. Making her way to the balcony, her favorite place to be during the early morning, she smiled at the petals that were falling from a nearby tree. The young Queen rested her arms upon the banister, looking out towards the shores. She heard the slight click of something against marble and looked around. Thanks to the sun she could see a faint shadow of someone hiding behind a pillar.

Smiling she remarked softly, yet loudly enough for the person to hear, "How strange it was for goats to be smarter than Fauns."

A second later and Tumnus was at her side explaining passionately that Fauns were indeed more intelligent than their cousins. "Lucy, you have it all wrong again. Do I have to keep explaining that we are cousins and therefore other than our legs…and feet…and ears…and horns I suppose, we Fauns are the more intelligent."

"I was only joking, Tumnus," putting her shoulder against his, gave him a light shove, but instead of moving aside as he usually did, he stayed where he was.

Lucy looked to him and their eyes met for a long while before they both remembered who they were. What seemed like a never-ending moment of silence followed before Lucy took a small step away so as to no longer have any contact with him.

"We're both so quiet this morning," she observed.

"Yes, I suppose so."

"You know what this means then."

He looked sideways to her, realizing how cold his shoulder felt without her leaning against it, could she possibly know? "I'm afraid not, my Queen."

She looked to him, watching him carefully, "Silly Faun, we are both in love." Inside Lucy was shocked at her outspokenness and vowed to never lose a night's sleep again since this was the consequence of it.

"You always were good at finding out hidden things."

Nodding to the compliment, she returned her gaze to the waves, asking him in a hopefully nonchalant voice, "Is your love beautiful?"

"Oh yes," he replied, desperately trying to not look at her, "she is the essence of beauty. Is your suitor handsome?"

Lucy followed suit, not looking towards him and took great interest in the leaf she was twirling between her fingers. "More handsome than any Man."

Tumnus froze, unable to believe what he had heard, "He is not a Son of Adam?"

"No," her voice taking on a whimsical manner, "no, he is better than a Man." Blinking, she seemed to come out of a dream she had been having, "Is yours not a Faun?"

Frowning slightly before answering, he looked in the opposite direction for he was certain that the comprehension of the situation was apparent on his face. They were speaking of one another! Was she playing a cruel game or did she not know? He cleared his throat and tried to sound distraught, "No, not a Faun."

Lucy looked to him carefully and sighed, how she wanted to all this to end. Thinking that she should tell him now, she opened her mouth but was interrupted by him.

"Have I told you of the Choosing tradition of Fauns?" His eyes were bright and they found hers immediately. Noticing how she averted then, he slightly frowned, but ignored it. Surely she felt the same? She had to, he considered, she just had to. And even if she didn't, he had to tell her now, for he knew that if he waited another minute, he would lose his boldness.

She shook her head, "No, what is it?"

"It's when a Faun meets someone- "

"Another Faun."

"No, not necessarily, just someone that they care for. It's called Choosing. And I-"

"Have you not told her this?"

Tumnus' ears fell in disappointment, he was so close. "Tell her what?"

She shrugged, looking back to the sea, "Tell the one you Choose about this." Folding her hands together, she looked down to them, "I can't tell my suitor. He doesn't feel the same." Closing her eyes from the pain of it all, she inhaled a shuddering breath. It was quiet now; she could hear Tumnus beside her breathing, a bird in the distance call out, and the wind blow through the trees. He took hold of her hand, and she smiled at the friendly gesture from him, but upon feeling his lips against her wrist she opened her eyes quickly, finding him with her hand inches from his mouth, about to repeat the gesture.

"I _am_ trying to tell her, Lucy. But she seems a bit distant this morning."

Frowning slightly as he kissed her wrist again, he caught her eyes, "As I was saying, the tradition is that a Faun loves someone and to mark his love, so to speak, the wrist is kissed. And then-"

"But you-"

Tumnus gave her a solemn look, smiling lightly as he leaned forward and kissed her forehead gently, "I Choose you Queen Lucy Pevensie."

He watched her carefully, wanting some sort of a reaction instead of the silence he was receiving now.

He didn't have to wait long, understanding soon crossed her face and she looked to him at last, an unasked question in her eyes.

Feigning frustration, he looked to the heavens, "By the Lion, give me strength," putting his arms around her waist and bringing her towards him, he shook his head, "the Human doesn't understand even now when I'm telling her that _I love her_." The last few words were said with a tone that she had never heard before and his eyes were serious, something that she had seen only on rare occasions of speaking about his father.

Lucy said nothing as she raised a hand hesitantly to touch a curl of his hair in her hands. Running it between her fingers, she stared at it, a small smile forming slowly upon her lips. "My Tumnus…." Her eyes found his and she blushed, "Chooses me and I Choose him." With that, she laid a soft kiss to his lips and when Lucy broke away, she said, "That's the Human tradition."

Softly, Tumnus replied, "I confess…I enjoyed that better than the Fauns'."

"Then we'll practice both, my dear Faun, we'll keep both traditions alive."


End file.
